the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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