Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she looked like the before picture.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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