I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
