don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
