Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
