the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
