I think I died a long time ago.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
