I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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