WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
