She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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