Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Someone came in the potted fern
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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