I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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