True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
