hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
