just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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