As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
