Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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