At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize