My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
