he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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