then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Who died my cat blue again?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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