Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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