Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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