i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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