toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I FOUND THE LEGS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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