i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
4 words: hood of his car
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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