Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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