I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
