Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
