This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
