take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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