Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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