Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
