I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
