My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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