And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
COCAINE IS GR8
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
