you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
