If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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