College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
