apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
