And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
