I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
