my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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