Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize