My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize