I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
