So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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