Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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