college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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