There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
