Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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