I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
