We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
