I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
