My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
