im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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