Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
