I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
