you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
