just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
