Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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