Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
