I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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