Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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