Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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