so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
