the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
